The Millennium Players
SCENE 1 Friday 18th February
Two people, sat on the sofa, on their phones. At least thirty seconds of silence interspersed with a little chuckle every few seconds as they swipe through videos.
Jen: Babe...
Ned: Hmmm
Jen: How often do you think about the Roman Empire?
Ned: The Roman Empire?
Jen: Yeah, how often do you think about it?
Ned: What do you mean? Like anything to do with it?
Jen: Yeah I guess, just anything to do with the Romans? Like, anything to do with the Roman Empire.
Ned: (Thinks for a few seconds) I don't really.
Jen: Oh...
Ned: Why?
Jen: Oh no there's just this thing doing the rounds that's saying, ask your man how often he thinks about the Roman Empire and apparently most men think about it at least once a day! (laugh).
Ned: The Roman Empire?
Jen: Yeah, how fucking mad is that. Apparently it's true. There's one guy here who says he can't stop thinking about it (laughs) At least ten times a day! (laughs)
Ned: That's bloody crazy, what's wrong with people. No way does a regular guy think about the Roman Empire every day, that's absolutely ridiculous. Bloody morons. What the hell is that shit anyway, where did you see that?
Jen: Just scrolling through
Ned: Ridiculous...Once a day...I bet most people couldn't even name one Roman emperor, apart from Caesar obviously.
(They go back to their phones and remain in silence again for at least thirty seconds. Jen is swiping but this time Ned is typing.)
Ned: Huh..says here that Caesar is actually a title, not a name. Who knew that eh? It became a title after Caesar's death and they used it...Julius Caesar that is...after Julius Caesar's death, and they used it as a title for every emperor after him.
Jen: Oh yeah, that's cool.
Ned: Yeah...There you go, I know something about the Roman Empire now. Maybe I'll think about that every day from now on. Maybe I'll think about the Roman Empire every day. I bet you I could do that. I could think about it every day if I wanted to. Then I'd be normal like everyone else wouldn't I? (laughs).
Jen: (laughs absently) Oh yeah. Ha.
(Back to silence on their phones. Jen is still swiping. Ned sits and thinks of things to Google about the Roman Empire.)
Jen: Oh, Emily and Zack have invited us round for dinner in a couple of weeks.
Ned: Oh, that'll be nice, when?
Jen: The 10th
Ned: Of March?
Jen: Well...obviously (chuckles)
Ned: Well it didn't have to be did it? Could've been April.
Jen: Anyway, I'll say yes then shall I?
Ned: Yeah, sounds good. (pause) Hopefully they've sorted out their bloody heating. I don't want to be sat in there freezing my tits off.
Jen: Oh god yeah. Do you know what they've been doing? They've been putting the oven on and leaving the door open to heat the house.
Ned: Leaving the oven on?
Jen: Yeah, with the door open though
Ned: So it heats the house
Jen: Yeah. Mad isn't it (chuckles)
Ned: (Looking at his phone) Nero...He sounds cool
Jen: Huh?
Ned: Nero...Roman Emperor.
Jen: Oh yeah. Looking in to Ancient Rome now are we?
Ned: Imperator Nero Cladius Divi Claudius Filius Caesar Augustus Germanicus...Jesus Christ, that's a name isn't it. Played the fiddle whilst Rome burned...Ah yeah, I've heard of that before. So that was this guy was it. Looks like a bellend. (pause) Oh, he was a bellend. (pause) Notorious for his cruelty. Killed his own mother. (pause) Oh, it's all a bit incestuous Rome. Probably why he looked like that I guess.
Jen: I thought you said he killed her, not shagged her?
Ned: No not his mum, she married her uncle and probably screwed her cousin at some point.
Jen: Whatever floats your boat.
Ned: Anyway, enough of all that nonsense. That's my fill of the Roman Empire for a while.
(Silence for a while, both back on their phones)
Blackout.
SCENE 2 Saturday 19th February
Spot comes up SR on a table and two chairs. Ned is sat having a coffee with Zack in mid conversation)
Ned: Anyway, it's all water under the bridge now.
Zack: Good, glad to hear that mate.
Ned: Oh get this. I had a meeting with Casper's teacher on Thursday. He drew a dodgy picture at school. (laughs) Like it was a normal picture of an eagle or something but then he put a dick on it with some huge balls (laughs). Or at least, that was what it looked like. It was actually just a really poor effort at drawing the talons.
Zack: Ha, what!?
Ned: Yeah, haha, teacher was a bit concerned at first but it all got cleared up in the end
Zack: (chuckling) You'll do well to teach him a bit of ornothological anatomy mate!
Ned: Ah, a big eagle dick never hurt anyone did it? (slight pause) Talking of balls, I've got this appointment with the doctor next friday to sort the little fellers out.
Zack: Oh really, it's all going ahead then yeah?
Ned: Yeah, I reckon so, makes sense doesn't it. We don't want any more kids, any more dick drawing demons (chuckle) so yeah, it just makes sense I guess.
Zack: Yeah man, for sure.
Ned: Anyway, I read online, that you have to masturbate loads when you get the snip. All day long. Like, it's a necessity kind of thing.
Zack: Yeah, I heard that before.
Ned: Doctor's orders, ha! (both chuckle, pause) So that'll be nice.
Zack: Yeah.
Ned: It'll give me something to do.
Zack: Yeah.
(A pause whilst both drink their coffee)
Ned: Oh get this right, Jen saw this thing the other night, well, last night actually. Right, how often do you think about the Roman Empire?
Zack: Oh, like every day.
(Pause, Ned looks incredulous)
Ned: What?
Zack: Yeah, probably, definitely most days.
Ned: Fuck off.
Zack: Well, they gave us a lot of stuff/ didn't they, the Romans.
Ned: /Every day? No chance. Like what? What the fuck do you think about?
Zack: I don't know, just...roads I guess. Y'know, if you see a nice long straight road, it's just the first thing you think about isn't it? oh yeah look, a lovely Roman Road that.
Ned: (stares, straight faced) Are you taking the piss?
Zack: What? No. That's just quite a well known thing isn't it? Roman roads. Hadrian's Wall as well.
Ned: Oh come off it. You think about Hadrian's Wall every day?
Zack: Well, no. But it's all just part of the Empire isn't it. I guess that's why, when you say, think about the Roman Empire, like, it just encompasses so much doesn't it? You can link a lot of things back to the Romans. Roads, Hadrian's Wall, Baths, Sewers, gladiators...
Ned: Baths? oh yeah so when you've just poured yourself a nice hot bath and you settle yourself down in the bubbles and relax, your first thought is the Roman Empire?
Zack: Well I didn't say that did I? It's just every now and then when a bath is mentioned, it's just...Roman Baths, isn't it? That's a pretty big thing.
Ned: What because of one shitty little bath house in Bath?
Zack: There were Roman bath houses all over the place mate, not just Bath. And have you been to the Baths in Bath? It's fascinating, it's hardly one shitty little bath house. It's bloody massive. Beautiful architecture, and it's basically a museum too. You should go, you uncultured swine.
Ned: Yeah just because you jack off to Julius Caesar every time you get in a bathtub doesn't mean the rest of us do. (pause) There's no way you think about the Roman Empire every day. That's bullshit.
Zack: I reckon, in a roundabout way, I probably do. Like, it's not directly thinking about the Empire is it, but like I said, loads of things just lead back to it don't they?
Ned: No.
Zack: They really do mate, you should educate yourself a bit.
Ned: Well, I don't need educating do I? I do know things about the Romans. Like, did you know that Caesar is actually a title not a name?
Zack: Well yeah, obviously.
Ned: Yeah...well...there you go then...
Zack: Did you know, that in Ancient Rome, phallic symbols were considered a good luck charm? They made necklaces with them and wind chimes and things.
Ned: They hung dicks in doorways...what an advanced civilisation.
Zack: Well, we have moved on a lot since then...Now we just draw cocks on pigeons.
Ned: (light heartedly) Oi, leave it out. That could be a serious psychological issue. Anyway, it was an eagle.
Zack: Oh, I'm sorry. (pause) was it like one of those eagles from Lord of the Rings? You know, the one that rescues Gandalf? The king of the eagles. I mean, he's bound to have a big knob isn't he?
Ned: Gwaihir, he's Lord of the Eagles.
Zack: Oh, right. (pause) Do you ever think to yourself, why didn't they just send the eagles to Mordor? would've been/ a lot quicker wouldn't it?
Ned: /No, I don't. They would have been seen by the Nazgul long before they got there. Anyway, Gandalf couldn't have just sent the eagles in. They're not just animals like a horse or something. They are old, sentient beings. They have their own motives and government, Gandalf couldn't just summon them at will.
Zack: Ah, fair enough.
(pause)
Ned: Do eagles even have penises anyway?
Zack: (thinks) Don't know. Do birds have penises?
Ned: Never seen one before, a bird with a penis. I'll look into it.
Zack: Ha, well good luck with that. I've gotta dash, Emily's seeing her mum today so I've got to pick the kids up from her Dad. Let us know how it goes with the doctor mate.
Ned: Yeah, will do, take care mate, see you soon.
(Zack exits, leaving Ned alone. He takes out his phone and, via a projection on a screen centre stage we are able to see that he is searching in Google. He types 'Did the Romans think...', deletes then types 'Were dicks lucky for the Romans?' The google result flashes up on screen. He reads it and reacts with a little 'hmm'. He then puts his phone down on the table and finishes his coffee. Sits for a moment. Picks his phone back up and Googles 'Roman baths', looks at the images. Googles 'Hadrian's Wall', looks at the images. Puts his phone back down. A few seconds later he picks it back up and Googles 'Do eagles have penises?'
Blackout.
SCENE 3 Tuesday 22nd February
(Lights come up on Ned and Jen sat on the sofa. Both on their phones, as before. A few seconds pass before Ned speaks)
Ned: I saw Zack the other day
Jen: Oh yeah?
Ned: Yeah, I asked him, do you remember the other night you asked me about the Roman Empire? Like how often do I think about it?
Jen: (slight chuckle) oh yeah.
Ned: Well I asked Zack the same question. Guess what he said.
Jen: What?
Ned: Nah guess, go on
Jen: I don't know, errr...
Ned: How often do you think he thinks about the Roman Empire? Go on, you'll never guess. This'll make you laugh this will.
Jen: Every day?
Ned: (pause) Yeah. (pause) That's crazy isn't it? Every fucking day. Like that is actually crazy.
Jen: Well it did say on the thingy that most men do.
Ned: Well yeah, but that was bullshit though wasn't it. Like, if you had a room full of people here right now, and you asked all the men in that room how often they think about the Roman Empire, you'd probably get maybe one that says 'every day'. All the others would just be like 'Oh, I don't know. Not that often, because, you know, I'm not a fucking psychopath.'
Jen: Yeah maybe. But it did say that most men think about it every day though
Ned: Yeah, but I've literally just said that that's not true
Jen: But how do you know it's not true? Just because you don't.
Ned: Well it just can't be true can it? It's bloody ridiculous is what it is. You can't believe everything you read on the internet can you? (pause, then under his breath) every day...(long pause). Although I did see something quite interesting earlier actually.
Jen: Oh yeah?
Ned: Yeah
Jen: About the Romans?
Ned: Yeah, well about the Empire anyway.
Jen: Oh, Right.
Ned: Yeah (pause). At it's peak one out of every four people in the world was under Rome's control.
Jen: Blimey. (pause) What was the world's population back then, in the Roman times?
Ned: Well I don't know, but that is pretty fascinating actually isn't it? (pause) Like, if you just look at it as a percentage, that's loads isn't it?
(pause)
Jen: Twenty five/ percent
Ned: /Twenty five percent, yeah. One in every four. Madness.
(pause)
Jen: So how many times have you thought about the Romans today then?
Ned: The Roman Empire you mean? oh, like, once. If that.
Jen: So...none then?
Ned: Well no...once or twice. saw that fact didn't I, and I suppose I couldn't help but think about it after seeing that, I mean it literally said the words Roman Empire in the fact so I couldn't not think about it could I? (pause) Anyway, it's fine thinking about it every now and then isn't it? (pause) I just meant the people who do it every single bloody day. Just meant they were the psychopaths didn't I?
Jen: Yeah I know babe. (pause) Right, better think about dinner eh. What do you fancy?
Ned: Ah whatever, I think there's a pizza in the freezer, can share that if you like?
Jen: Yeah ok, I'll whack it in the oven.
(Jen exits SL, pause while Ned stares straight out at the audience. Shouts to Jen offstage)
Ned: Talking of dinner, have you ever heard of a vomitorium?
Jen: (offstage) A vomitorium? That's just where the Romans went to throw up after dinner isn't it?
Ned: Aha! Got you! haha. That's a popular misconception actually. A vomitorium is actually a passage situated below or behind a tier of seats in an amphitheatre or a stadium, through which big crowds can exit rapidly at the end of an event. Thus, they vomit forth from the passage and onto the street. Fascinating huh?
Jen: Oh yeah, fascinating babe. What a bit of Wikipedia can do eh?
Ned: (disdainful glare towards Jen offstage, then under his breath) throw up after dinner...huh...idiot
Jen: What was that babe?
Ned: Didn't say anything darling.
(Jen returns and sits back down on the sofa)
Jen: Pizza's in
Ned: Lovely, I'm starving actually.
Jen: Yeah, me too. (pause) All set for the doctors then?
Ned: Mmm.
Jen: You've got your list of questions you want to ask him?
Ned: Yeah...
Jen: Good, I'm glad you're getting the ball rolling. Oh and by the way, I'm going in to see Mrs. Rattray at school now. She's asked if it can be moved to Monday. I said that's fine but you're working aren't you, so I'll head in and speak to her.
Ned: Oh OK, yeah. No problem
Jen: I hope they haven't got the wrong end of the stick, it's a bit worrying isn't it?
Ned: Hmm? oh no, it'll be fine. It's just one of those things isn't it. At least he wasn't drawing one of us being murdered eh?
Jen: Ned!
Ned: Oh come on, it was just a joke.
Jen: Not funny.
Ned: (pause) Sorry. (pause) Do you know how Julius Caesar was murdered?
(Jen looks at Ned. Blackout.)
Scene 1 - The Start (18th Feb)
Scene 2 - The Coffee (19th Feb)
Scene 3 - The Pizza (22nd Feb)
Scene 4 -
Interval
Scene 5 - The Dinner
Act One, Scene One
Lights up on the top of a big hill, somewhere in England. The actors must be able to physically walk up and stand on this hill. They must also be able to physically dig down into the hill.
Intermittent bird song.
Charlie walks onto stage, map in hand, in the middle of counting to twenty. He has an impossibly large rucksack with all kinds of tools hanging off it. He counts slowly and methodically with each step. Upon reaching twenty he should be at the top of the hill.
Charlie: Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty! (He stops, hands on hips, puffing and surveying the area) Well, here we are then, this is it! (pause) Five years...and here we are at last. Beautiful. (looking up to the sky) Look Maz, I made it. (chuckles) We made it! Can you see me? I told you we would make it one day. (chuckles) Look at me! I'm the king of the world! (very loudly) Awooooooo!
He stands for a moment longer looking out, hands on hips, then blows a kiss up to the sky before setting his rucksack down and beginning to unpack. He takes his speaker out first and plays 'Here comes the sun' by The Beatles. Whilst the song plays he unpacks the rest of his rucksack and neatly arranges everything. It's the usual camping/hiking gear: a gas camping stove, a sleeping bag, a small one man tent, a chair, a flask etc...Finally he grabs a small flag of his own design, kneels down and plants it in the ground. He stands up and salutes the flag then he sits in the chair, pours a coffee from the flask and sings along to the rest of the song with his eyes closed.
Charlie: (as song finishes, sitting back, relaxing) Ahhh... (springs up suddenly) Right, let's get to work! (He heads over to the rucksack and picks up a spade, takes it to the exact spot where he counted his twentieth step and begins to dig. We should see real soil if possible which Charlie can throw upstage into a hidden container or similar. After four or five spadefuls he stops, rests on the spade and looks out front thoughtfully, after a moment...) Is this going to go as we thought Maz? It's all going to be worth it right? I just don't want it to be, I don't know, Anti-climactic or anything. Like, if this is actually what we wanted it to be, is it the end? Will we have to say goodbye? Or will you stay with me? (pause) Please stay with me. (long pause) Actually, you know what, I'm not going to start just yet, I want to savour this moment for a while, (to the sky) is that ok? (He sits back on the chair and picks up his cup of coffee) Just want to soak it all in, you know? Just in case it's not what we thought it would be. (long pause) I miss you...so much. I miss your smile, your laugh...I miss your hugs. I miss the way you'd play with Frodo in the garden and you'd work him up into a frenzy and he'd just run round and round in circles barking at his own tail (he chuckles but it instantly turns into a sob) I fucking miss you so much. Don't leave me. Don't you ever leave me! (he recovers himself) Life goes on eh!...Not without you it doesn't. Would you like a story? The Bobgoblin? Your favourite...Do you remember you'd get me to tell you the Bobgoblin every birthday and every Christmas Eve? I loved that. It was my favourite thing in the world, to lose ourselves in a story, side by side. Like nothing else in the whole world mattered. And it didn't, nothing mattered. Because I had you (smiles and after a moment...) Right, ok then, The Bobgoblin. For Maz.
Once there was a little village called Boblinville. It was a lovely little village full of lovely people. The leader of the village was called Maz. Maz the Brave. Everybody loved Maz. Now this village was right in the middle of a very dark, dangerous wood called Boblin Wood. Everybody knew that you could never go into Boblin Wood alone, especially at night. There were evil creatures in those woods and no one who went in alone ever came back again. No one, except for Maz. She loved going on adventures in the woods and would often be gone for days on end. But no one ever worried about her, for she always came back. One day Maz decided she would go on another adventure, she had heard lots of stories growing up about the most fearsome creature ever to have lived! The Bobgoblin. And she was determined to find one and tame it so she could keep it as a pet back home...
Lionel: (from offstage) Ahoy!!
Charlie: (surprised) Oh, fucking hell! (he looks off stage left)
Lionel: (from offstage) Ahoy, well met fellow traveller! (entering) It's good to see another soul! (laughs) You can go for days and days in these hills without bumping into anybody. Absolute bliss if you ask me. (laughs)
Charlie: No, thank you.
Lionel: I'm sorry?
Charlie: No, thank you. Not today. I just came here to be alone.
Lionel: Well of course you did! You don't hike out to the middle of fucking nowhere to be amongst the crowds do you! (laughs) But I'm here now and mighty thirsty, do you mind if I take up a pew?
Charlie: Yes I do.
Lionel: Oh come now, it's good to talk, keeps you sane. Otherwise you end up yakking away to yourself and that's not a good look at all!
Charlie: I really...I must insist, I'm not good company and I'm not looking for company.
Lionel: Well, I really do wish I could move on, but I'm simply too parched. I absolutely must have a rest and I'm afraid I absolutely must do it here. I couldn't go on another step. Let me satiate myself and then I shall be on my way. Deal?
Charlie: Look, I'm really not in the mood for this. Can you just fuck off?
Lionel: I see. Look, let me be frank. You are sat in a location which has a particular significance to me. I'm afraid I won't be moving on. This is a public space and if you don't like it then you can, in your own words, 'fuck off'! I've travelled a long way and hiked for many hours to get here. I'm fairly knackered, so I'm just going to set up camp, as it were, and fetch myself a nice cup of tea. (he notices the spade stuck in the ground) What drew you to this exact spot I wonder?
Charlie: (looking up at Lionel) My business is my own.
Lionel: (eyeing suspiciously) Indeed...(he sets his pack down and begins rifling through his bag) then...I just have...one thing to say...(drawing a gun and pointing straight at Charlie. Charlie though has anticipated this and done exactly the same) Wrackleton!
Charlie: (same time) Wrackleton!
Lionel: You have got to be fucking kidding me! Seriously!? What are the odds...how long have you been searching?
Charlie: Five years.
Lionel: Shit. An Original?
Charlie: You?
Lionel: Three or so. (pause) Look, we aren't going to get anywhere like this. Parley?
Charlie: Guns down on count of three. One...two...three. (they both lower their guns) Now on the floor. One...two...three (they both place their guns on the floor). Ok. Parley.
They both retreat cautiously to their respective chairs, leaving the guns on the floor. Without taking their eyes off each other they manoeuvre their chairs to face each other, undo their flasks and pour themselves a cup of coffee/tea. They take a sip and sit staring at each other.
Charlie: So.
Lionel: So. Here we are then.
Charlie: How do we know we're the first?
Lionel: We don't. But I think we would've heard.
Charlie: Mmm.
Lionel: So it would be prudent to assume that we are the first and work on that basis, yes?
Charlie: Yes.
Lionel: What is your name?
Charlie: (after a beat) Charlie. You?
Lionel: Lionel. (pause) What brought you here Charlie? What's your story?
Charlie: It is of no importance.
Lionel: I started three years ago, I came across the story on-
Charlie: And I don't wish to know yours. We are here to parley not get to know each other.
Lionel: Fair enough. What do you want?
Charlie: I was here first. We can dig together. The split is 70/30 in my favour.
Lionel: Charlie...come now. First rule of a parley - don't be utterly ridiculous. You have barely begun to dig, we have arrived at the same time to all intents and purposes. If we share the dig, we share the prize. 50/50.
Charlie: 50/50? I have already claimed the land (indicating the flag) see? I will accept no less than a 60/40 in my favour.
Lionel: Ok look, I will recognise your claiming of the land. But, as next to no work has actually been carried out, I cannot accept such a deficit. 55/45 and you can't say fairer than that.
Charlie: (after a moment's deliberation) In my favour?
Lionel: In your favour...What say you?
Charlie: I will agree, on one condition.
Lionel: Name it.
Charlie: We unload and disassemble the guns.
Lionel: (looking down at his pistol on the floor) Agreed.
Charlie: And we do it now.
Lionel: On one condition.
Charlie: Name it.
Lionel: We honour our fallen weaponry with a song.
Charlie: What song?
Lionel: Uptown Girl by Billy Joel.
Charlie: (after a pause) Agreed.
Charlie finds 'Uptown Girl' on his phone and plays it through the speaker. As the song plays they both perform a strange choreographed ritual as they disassemble their weapons. It is abundantly clear that this is a rehearsed process that they have done before. The ritual finishes and Charlie pauses the music. It is a moment before anyone speaks.
Lionel: Well, there we go then. (with a smile) Two true Wrackletonians. Bring it in, my good man. (He goes to hug Charlie but Charlie simply holds his hand up for a handshake. Lionel accepts it.) You know your stuff Charlie. You've studied Humphrey in depth. You know all the protocol, eh?
Charlie: Like the back of my hand. We read it together.
Lionel: We?
Charlie: (After a beat) My daughter and I.
Lionel: How wonderful!...But she doesn't share this moment with you?
Charlie: (beat) She died. Six months back.
Lionel: (genuinely) I am so sorry...How?
Charlie: That doesn't matter.
Lionel nods his head.
Lionel: You solved the puzzle together?
Charlie: Well...It was her idea. She came across it one day.
Lights down on Charlie and Lionel and up on the bottom of the hill where the scene changes to Maz and Charlie. Maz comes running in from SL.
Maz: Dad! Dad look at this!
Charlie enters from SR
Charlie: What's up, sweetie?
Maz: I've just seen this article, not sure if it's real or not but we can look into that. There's a bloke called Humphrey Wrackleton who grew up in this area before moving abroad right. He spent his life doing...wait, what did he do? (she tries to find out in the article) Doesn't matter. He's mega rich, like filthy stinking. Or at least he was, he's just died. Anyway, he was quite a philanthropist, gave loads of money to charity etcetera, etcetera. He's just released this right (holding up her phone to indicate the article) to coincide with the one month anniversary of his death. He had no living heirs or anything like that. So he thought he'd bury his will somewhere and just give his entire fortune to the first person to find it!
Charlie: (chuckling) Oh yeah?
Maz: Absolute madness right? So what he's done is leave loads of clues, like riddles and things that lead you to the next one until you eventually find the treasure!
Charlie: Arrrr! Buried treasure me 'earties! Sounds like a true adventure!
Maz: Dad! I'm serious, we should do it!
Charlie: Maz, that kind of stuff doesn't happen, it's a hoax sweetie.
Maz: But it might not be! And if it's not then we don't want to regret not trying, do we?
Charlie: (chuckling) I guess not! Go on then, what's our first clue?
Maz: Well, there are loads of weird rules and things that he's written down. Like what to do if two people come across the treasure at the same time and things like that.
Charlie: Haha, ok then, what happens if we come across some crazy old man whilst we're digging?
Maz: Well, the first thing you do, if you suspect someone is there for the same purpose as you is to shout out 'Wrackleton' and point your gun at them.
Charlie: Woah! Hold your horses, flower. A gun?!
Maz: That's what it says, but he's probably just joking right?
Charlie: Yeah probably, but there are some nutters out there that listen to that kind of stuff. I think we should just steer clear of this Maz, sounds a bit dodge, don't you think?
Maz: Yeah, but, we can just solve the riddles or things can't we? We don't have to go all the way to the treasure. Could be fun?
Charlie: Could be...
Maz: Oh dad, look, he's definitely joking! One of the things is to hold a parley, oh very piratey! (laughs) hold a parley with each other and then agree to disassemble your weapons to the tune of Uptown Girl by Billy Joel. (laughing) Can you imagine? That's hilarious.
Charlie: What did I tell you? A big hoax, and the kind of thing that will attract some crazy people to it. Let's steer clear Maz huh?
Maz: I mean it does sound ridiculous. But still, the first riddles written here. Can we just see if we can do it? We don't have to follow it up! Please??
Charlie: (beat) Come on then! Let's do it in the lounge, you head through, I'll be there in a moment.
Lights out on scene and lights up at the top of the hill.
Lionel: You solved the puzzle together?
Charlie: Well...It was her idea. She came across it one day.
Lionel: I see. (pause) I am truly sorry for your loss. No parent should have to bury their child.
Charlie: No.
Lionel: Would you like a crumpet? (rummaging around in his rucksack, he pulls out a lunchbox)
Charlie: No.
Lionel: Got some butter somewhere...(he rummages around again trying to find the butter) I know it's here. Cloverfield Farm butter, lightly salted. Churned with the freshest cream imaginable. Where are you, you little bugger...wrapped it with an ice block to keep it fresh...Three pounds a block, which I suppose at first glance seems a little steep. But you're paying for quality, you know! Local quality! I stumbled across the place on a hike a few years back. Middle of nowhere. Idyllic, picturesque storybook farm. Utterly stunning...(he has one last rummage but doesn't find the butter, sighs) bollocks. Must not've packed it after all, it's probably still on my kitchen side. Deary me what a heathen you must take me for. (he picks up the crumpet) Offering a crumpet without butter. Crumbs. Dry...leathery...might as well suck on a ballsack!...(pause) a hairless ballsack, covered in holes. That's all you are.
He packs the crumpet away again and leans back in his chair. They sit for a while in silence with occasional bird twitters. Charlie is suddenly brought out of his melancholy state by the sight of a bird in the sky, a red kite.
Charlie: A red kite! (he stands and beams) A red kite, look! Up there! (he stares for a moment) Maz's favourite bird, probably mine too. We'd camp out for hours trying to spot them. He's hunting, or scavenging more likely. They're much more prone to a carcass than the thrill of the chase. (he stares a moment longer)
The heart is almost mine with which I felt,
From some hill-top on sunny afternoons,
The kite high among the fleecy clouds
Pull at her rein like an impetuous courser.
Wordsworth. (pause) Isn't he a beauty?
Lionel: (who has been staring ahead rather than up at the kite, seems to come out of a daze) Hmm? Oh yes, yes rather...rather beautiful...I'm sorry I'm just so pissed off about this bloody butter. It absolutely must be here, I remember packing it, I do! (he heads over to his rucksack, tips it upside down and empties the entire contents out onto the floor, he then proceeds to rummage through it on the floor) Where are you? Where the fuckety fuck have you gone? (genuinely upset) Oh come on! I don't ask for much do I? Do I? Just a little bit of butter, that's all I want! Why do you mock me? (up at the sky) Lord, what have I done to upset you? Alright, alright, alright, alright fine, fine, FINE! I may not be a Christian man, I may not have lived without sin, lord, oh goodness no, but I swear, I SWEAR! If you find me that delicious lump of locally churned creamy goodness then I swear, for the rest of my life...oh, oh here it is! (he is overcome with joy, he stands and kisses the lump of butter then sits down and begins to butter his crumpet, before devouring it)
Charlie turns away from the kite, picks up the spade and begins digging again.
Lionel: Mmmm..Oh my God. Heaven. Utter, utter heaven. Are you sure you won't partake?
Charlie: Are you going to help me dig?
Lionel: Mmm, yes of course! All in good time (chuckles) A good digger needs good sustenance after all. And this really is...it really is...good. (he tails off and closes his eyes)
Charlie looks round, shakes his head in frustration, heads over to the speaker and plays 'Smoke and Mirrors' by Gotye. As the music plays he goes back to digging. As he digs the lights very slowly fade to black. There is potential here to have a backlight resembling the sunset so that as the lights fade, Charlie and Lionel are both silhouetted against it. As the backlight fades to black, Charlie continues to dig and Lionel remains in his chair, finishing the crumpet.
Act One, Scene Two
Voiceover in the darkness, maybe some scope for some lighting effects here...
Ringtone
Charlie: Hey Maz. You Ok?
Maz: Hi Dad, yeah I'm good. Just checking you're home.
Charlie: Yeah I'm here! Don't worry I haven't forgotten! I'm ready and waiting as soon as you step through the door!
Maz: Ok, great! I've just left school, I'll be five minutes.
Charlie: Ok, do you need me to pick you up? I'm happy to?
Maz: No it's ok, I won't be long. You've got the clue yeah?
Charlie: Yup, it's all packed. Everything's ready, I promise! We just need you now. (chuckle)
Maz: Ok, see you soooon!
Charlie: See you in a minute.
Maz: Love you!
Charlie: I love you too -
Charlie is interrupted by the harsh sound of a car, brakes squealing, a short scream before the sound of an impact.
Charlie: Maz! Maz! Are you there? Maz, answer me! MAZ!
The sound fades. Lights and backlight, resembling nightime, up on Charlie who has woken up in a cold sweat. Two one man tents have now been erected on top of the hill, the spade is stuck in the ground. The hole is a fair bit larger than before. Everything else is as it was.
Charlie: (breathing heavily) Maz...Maz...(sobs)
Lights down as backlight fades into sunrise, lights slowly up on Charlie and Lionel sat in their chairs, sausages frying on the camping stove.
Lionel: Now then Charles me old fruit...
Charlie: Charlie.
Lionel: Charlie...yes. Now you wait until you try these. Proper sausages these. Proper pork you know, the real stuff, the good stuff. None of this supermarket bullshit pumped full of water, chemicals, god knows what else. This right here, real English pork sausages, ever so slightly seasoned with a pinch of sea salt and cracked black pepper. Nothing else. Nix Nada Nil! Or as the Japanese might say...Nashi. Couple of minutes and we'll be nashi-ing down on these ourselves eh! (outrageous laughter, given the poor joke) Oh! (wiping away a tear) oh my. Goodness me. (recovering himself) Well then, here we are eh!
Charlie: We need to get digging. We've taken far too long already. For all we know someone could be coming upthis hill as we speak.
Lionel: Yes indeed. And indeed we shall! Straight after breakfast, I always say there's nothing like a good sausage to keep a man at work!
Charlie: And you can join in today.
Lionel: But of course. Have no fear Charles-
Charlie: Charlie.
Lionel: Charlie. You just wait until you see me with a spade between my thighs. A more exciting sight there cannot be! I shall arouse you with my ploughing prowess. But first, sausage!
Charlie: (closing his eyes and focussing on his breathing. Under his breath:) Jesus Christ.
Lionel removes the sausages from the pan and creates two sandwiches during the following:
Lionel: (sung)
Lovely tasty sausage, how pretty you are to me.
Lovely tasty sausage, lightly salted and peppery.
The mighty sausage it's a must
In any full English breakfast.
Wrapped up in blankets, Toad in the hole,
Bangers and mash or rolled into meatballs.
The sausage is king, ignore all the rest,
but between two slices is where it is best.
Cover him in yellow,
Coat him in brown,
Smother him in red,
enough to drown.
Lovely tasty sausage, how pretty you are to me.
Lovely tasty sausage, lightly salted and peppery.
(spoken) I love you, sausage.
(to Charlie) Sausage?
Charlie: Thanks.
They sit and eat. moans of ecstasy from Lionel. chefs kiss etc. Charlie has a couple of bites, leaves the rest on his chair as he picks up the spade and gets to work. After a few spadesful, Lionel lets out a particularly loud moan.
Charlie: (throwing down his spade) Oh fuck this! (he goes over to Lionel and grabs his sandwich from him) Get up. Get up now and dig! I ain't having you do this again. You've got to put some effort in. If you want your split then you FUCKING DIG. NOW!
Lionel: (whilst being manhandled into position by the hole) Charles...ie. Charlie my boy. Really, is there any need for this?
Charlie: (with extreme menace) I'm not your fucking boy. (pause) pick your spade up and dig. Now.
Lionel: Ok, ok. Understood. I'll play my part. Sorry.
Lionel grabs his spade and begins to dig. Charlie joins in. The lights fade to black.
Lights up on Charlie and Lionel. Slight change in backlight to indicate time passing. Perhaps an hour or so. Lionel is digging. Charlie is swigging water from a large bottle, drenched in sweat. Lionel is struggling badly.
Lionel: (through heavy breathing) This blasted thing is some way down huh?
Charlie: Ten feet, according to the last riddle.
Lionel: Oh yes, of course. (panting) And we are both quite certain we have the right spot I suppose.
Charlie: Yes.
Lionel: It's just you begin to doubt yourself don't you. (slight chuckle)
Charlie: No.
Lionel: No, quite. (he stops, struggling to breathe, climbs out of the hole and rests on the ground)
Charlie: You should stand up, arms above your head, opens up your lungs.
Lionel: Yes, yes. Yes I will. (he does so) Oh my. Harder than it looks isn't it? (through recovering breaths) You know, I once dug out a pond in the garden. By Hand. Alicia always wanted one. Took me days (chuckles) weeks even. But I got there and it looked pretty damned good in the end. Alicia did the finishing touches, made it look nice and all that, you know. And then finally one evening, we were able to sit together, glass of wine in hand, and admire our creation. Really quite beautiful, it was. (pause) But I'll always remember thinking to myself, 'bugger me, that was hardly fucking worth it was it. I've gone and given myself lumbago over here and what do I get for it? A bloody slimy little pool of green shit.' Still, it did look nice.
Charlie: Alicia. Is that your wife?
Lionel: Yes (pause) she was...
Charlie: She died?
Lionel: No...she got bored of me. Left me for someone else. A woman actually. (pause) Bitch.
Charlie: My wife was called Alicia too.
Lionel: Really? was? She left you too huh?
Charlie: No, she died.
Lionel: Your wife too? That's...that's real hard luck Charlie, I am sorry.
Charlie: Yeah well. Life throws some shit hands sometime huh? (pause) She died a long time ago. It was just me and Maz for, well her whole life really.
Lionel: (hesitating) Childbirth?
Charlie: (a long pause, he looks straight at Lionel) She was mugged, whilst heavily pregnant. She resisted, put up a fight. The cowardly fuck stabbed her and left her to die. Some guy found her and got her to hospital. (beat) she died, but they saved the baby, my daughter.
Lionel: Well...I don't know what to say
Charlie: You don't need to say anything. My grief is my own.
A long silence, whilst Charlie climbs back into the hole and begins digging again. Lionel stares down at him for a moment before getting some water for himself. He then returns to digging. The following dialogue as they both dig together.
Charlie: So this is what my life is all about now. Everything I have ever been through. Everything I've seen, everything I've heard. Everything I've smelled. Down to this. This hole. I don't know what I'm going to do when it's over. It's the only thing that's been driving me on.
Lionel: You know, I feel much the same way. I mean, in the way I don't know what I'm going to do with myself either.
Charlie: Well, we're not quite there yet are we. Let's focus on one thing at a time eh?
Lionel: Yes, quite. (pause) So you solved the riddles in your daughter's memory?
Charlie looks up at Lionel
Lionel: I'm sorry, I don't mean to intrude, forget I said any-
Charlie: Yes. (pause) She did most of the ground work. We were actually in the midst of solving the final riddle when she - (pause) So yeah. This is for her.