top of page

SCENE 1 Friday 18th February

Two people, sat on the sofa, on their phones. At least thirty seconds of silence interspersed with a little chuckle every few seconds as they swipe through videos.

Jen: Babe...

Ned: Hmmm

Jen: How often do you think about the Roman Empire?

Ned: The Roman Empire?

Jen: Yeah, how often do you think about it?

Ned: What do you mean? Like anything to do with it?

Jen: Yeah I guess, just anything to do with the Romans? Like, anything to do with the Roman Empire.

Ned: (Thinks for a few seconds) I don't really.

Jen: Oh...

Ned: Why?

Jen: Oh no there's just this thing doing the rounds that's saying, ask your man how often he thinks about the Roman Empire and apparently most men think about it at least once a day! (laugh).

Ned: The Roman Empire?

Jen: Yeah, how fucking mad is that. Apparently it's true. There's one guy here who says he can't stop thinking about it (laughs) At least ten times a day! (laughs)

Ned: That's bloody crazy, what's wrong with people. No way does a regular guy think about the Roman Empire every day, that's absolutely ridiculous. Bloody morons. What the hell is that shit anyway, where did you see that?

Jen: Just scrolling through

Ned: Ridiculous...Once a day...I bet most people couldn't even name one Roman emperor, apart from Caesar obviously.

(They go back to their phones and remain in silence again for at least thirty seconds. Jen is swiping but this time Ned is typing.)

Ned: Huh..says here that Caesar is actually a title, not a name. Who knew that eh? It became a title after Caesar's death and they used it...Julius Caesar that is...after Julius Caesar's death, and they used it as a title for every emperor after him.

Jen: Oh yeah, that's cool.

Ned: Yeah...There you go, I know something about the Roman Empire now. Maybe I'll think about that every day from now on. Maybe I'll think about the Roman Empire every day. I bet you I could do that. I could think about it every day if I wanted to. Then I'd be normal like everyone else wouldn't I? (laughs).

Jen: (laughs absently) Oh yeah. Ha.

(Back to silence on their phones. Jen is still swiping. Ned sits and thinks of things to Google about the Roman Empire.)

Jen: Oh, Emily and Zack have invited us round for dinner in a couple of weeks.

Ned: Oh, that'll be nice, when?

Jen: The 10th

Ned: Of March?

Jen: Well...obviously (chuckles)

Ned: Well it didn't have to be did it? Could've been April.

Jen: Anyway, I'll say yes then shall I?

Ned: Yeah, sounds good. (pause) Hopefully they've sorted out their bloody heating. I don't want to be sat in there freezing my tits off.

Jen: Oh god yeah. Do you know what they've been doing? They've been putting the oven on and leaving the door open to heat the house.

Ned: Leaving the oven on?

Jen: Yeah, with the door open though

Ned: So it heats the house

Jen: Yeah. Mad isn't it (chuckles)

Ned: Nero...He sounds cool

Jen: Huh?

Ned: Nero...Roman Emperor.

Jen: Oh yeah. Looking in to Ancient Rome now are we?

Ned: Imperator Nero Cladius Divi Claudius Filius Caesar Augustus Germanicus...Jesus Christ, that's a name isn't it. Played the fiddle whilst Rome burned...Ah yeah, I've heard of that before. So that was this guy was it. Looks like a bellend. (pause) Oh, he was a bellend. (pause) Notorious for his cruelty. Killed his own mother. (pause) Oh, it's all a bit incestuous Rome. Probably why he looked like that I guess.

Jen: I thought you said he killed her, not shagged her?

Ned: No not his mum, she married her uncle and probably screwed her cousin at some point.

Jen: Whatever floats your boat.

Ned: Anyway, enough of all that nonsense. That's my fill of the Roman Empire for a while.

(Silence for a while, both back on their phones)

Blackout.

SCENE 2 Saturday 19th February

Spot comes up SR on a table and two chairs. Ned is sat having a coffee with Zack in mid conversation)

Ned: Anyway, it's all water under the bridge now.

 

Zack: Good, glad to hear that mate.

 

Ned: Oh get this. I had a meeting with Casper's teacher on Thursday. He drew a dodgy picture at school. (laughs) Like it was a normal picture of an eagle or something but then he put a dick on it with some huge balls (laughs). Or at least, that was what it looked like. It was actually just a really poor effort at drawing the talons.

Zack: Ha, what!?

Ned: Yeah, haha, teacher was a bit concerned at first but it all got cleared up in the end

Zack: (chuckling) You'll do well to teach him a bit of ornothological anatomy mate!

Ned: Ah, a big eagle dick never hurt anyone did it? (slight pause) Talking of balls, I've got this appointment with the doctor next friday to sort the little fellers out.

Zack: Oh really, it's all going ahead then yeah?

Ned: Yeah, I reckon so, makes sense doesn't it. We don't want any more kids, any more dick drawing demons (chuckle) so yeah, it just makes sense I guess.

Zack: Yeah man, for sure.

Ned: Anyway, I read online, that you have to masturbate loads when you get the snip. All day long. Like, it's a necessity kind of thing. 

Zack: Yeah, I heard that before.

Ned: Doctor's orders, ha! (both chuckle, pause) So that'll be nice.

Zack: Yeah.

Ned: It'll give me something to do.

Zack: Yeah.

(A pause whilst both drink their coffee)

Ned: Oh get this right, Jen saw this thing the other night, well, last night actually. Right, how often do you think about the Roman Empire?

Zack: Oh, like every day.

(Pause, Ned looks incredulous)

Ned: What?

Zack: Yeah, probably, definitely most days.

Ned: Fuck off.

Zack: Well, they gave us a lot of stuff/ didn't they, the Romans.

Ned: /Every day? No chance. Like what? What the fuck do you think about?

Zack: I don't know, just...roads I guess. Y'know, if you see a nice long straight road, it's just the first thing you think about isn't it? oh yeah look, a nice little Roman Road.

Ned: (stares, straight faced) Are you taking the piss?

Zack: What, no. That's just quite a well known thing isn't it? Roman roads. Hadrian's Wall as well.

Ned: Oh come off it. You think about Hadrian's Wall every day?

Zack: Well, no. But it's all just part of the empire isn't it. I guess that's why, when you say, think about the Roman Empire, like, it just encompasses so much doesn't it? You can link a lot of things back to the Romans. Roads, Hadrian's Wall, Baths, Sewers, gladiators...

Ned: Baths? oh yeah so when you've just poured yourself a nice hot bath and you settle yourself down in the bubbles and relax, your first thought is the Roman Empire?

Zack: Well I didn't say that did I? It's just every now and then when a bath is mentioned, it's just, Roman Baths, isn't it? That's a pretty big thing.

Ned: What because of one shitty little bath house in Bath?

Zack: There were Roman bath houses all over the place mate, not just Bath. And have you been to the Baths in Bath? It's fascinating, it's hardly one shitty little bath house. It's bloody massive. Beautiful architecture, and it's basically a museum too. You should go, you uncultured swine.

Ned: Yeah just because you jack off to Julius Caesar every time you get in a bathtub doesn't mean the rest of us do. (pause) There's no way you think about the Roman Empire every day. That's bullshit.

Zack: I reckon, in a roundabout way, I probably do. Like, it's not directly thinking about the Empire is it, but like I said, loads of things just lead back to it don't they?

Ned: No.

Zack: They really do mate, you should educate yourself a bit.

Ned: Well, I don't need educating do I? I do know things about the Romans. Like, did you know that Caesar is actually a title not a name?

Zack: Well yeah, obviously.

Ned: Yeah...well...there you go then...

Zack: Did you know, that in Ancient Rome, phallic symbols were considered a good luck charm? They made necklaces with them and wind chimes and things.

Ned: They hung dicks in doorways...what an advanced civilisation.

Zack: Well, we have moved on a lot since then...Now we just draw cocks on pigeons.

Ned: (light heartedly) Oi, leave it out. That could be a serious psychological issue. Anyway, it was an eagle.

Zack: Oh, I'm sorry. (pause) was it like one of those eagles from Lord of the Rings? You know, the one that rescues Gandalf? The king of the eagles. I mean, he's bound to have a big knob isn't he?

Ned: Gwaihir, he's Lord of the Eagles.

Zack: Oh, right. (pause) Do you ever think to yourself, why didn't they just send the eagles to Mordor? would've been/ a lot quicker wouldn't it?

Ned: /No, I don't. They would have been seen by the Nazgul long before they got there. Anyway, Gandalf couldn't have just sent the eagles in. They're not just animals like a horse or something. They are old, sentient beings. They have there own motives and government, Gandalf couldn't just summon them at will. Fool of a Took.

Zack: Ah, fair enough.

(pause)

Ned: Do eagles even have penises anyway?

Zack: (thinks) Don't know. Do birds have penises?

Ned: Never seen one before, a bird with a penis. I'll look into it.

Zack: Ha, well good luck with that. I've gotta dash, Emily's seeing her mum today so I've got to pick the kids up from her Dad. Let us know how it goes with the doctor mate.

Ned: Yeah, will do, take care mate, see you soon.

(Zack exits, leaving Ned alone. He takes out his phone and, via a projection on a screen centre stage we are able to see that he is searching in Google. He types 'Did the Romans think...', deletes then types 'Were dicks lucky for the Romans?' The google result flashes up on screen. He reads it and reacts with a little 'hmm'. He then puts his phone down on the table and finishes his coffee. Sits for a moment. Picks his phone back up and Googles 'Roman baths', looks at the images. Googles 'Hadrian's Wall', looks at the images. Puts his phone back down. A few seconds later he picks it back up and Googles 'Do eagles have penises?'

Blackout.

SCENE 3 Tuesday 22nd February

(Lights come up on Ned and Jen sat on the sofa. Both on their phones, as before. A few seconds pass before Ned speaks)

Ned: I saw Zack the other day

Jen: Oh yeah?

Ned: Yeah, I asked him, do you remember the other night you asked me about the Roman Empire? Like how often do I think about it?

Jen: (slight chuckle) oh yeah.

Ned: Well I asked Zack the same question. Guess what he said.

Jen: What?

Ned: Nah guess, go on

Jen: I don't know, errr...

Ned: How often do you think he thinks about the Roman Empire? Go on, you'll never guess. This'll make you laugh this will.

Jen: Every day?

Ned: (pause) Yeah. (pause) That's crazy isn't it? Every fucking day. Like that is actually crazy.

Jen: Well it did say on the thingy that most men do.

Ned: Well yeah, but that was bullshit though wasn't it. Like, if you had a room full of people here right now, and you asked all the men in that room how often they think about the Roman Empire, you'd probably get maybe one that says 'every day'. All the others would just be like 'Oh, I don't know. Not that often, because, you know, I'm not a fucking psychopath.'

Jen: Yeah maybe. But it did say that most men think about it every day though

Ned: Yeah, but I've literally just said that that's not true

Jen: But how do you know it's not true? Just because you don't.

Ned: Well it just can't be true can it? It's bloody ridiculous is what it is. You can't believe everything you read on the internet can you? (pause, then under his breath) every day...(long pause). Although I did see something quite interesting earlier actually.

Jen: Oh yeah?

Ned: Yeah

Jen: About the Romans?

Ned: Yeah, well about the Empire anyway.

Jen: Oh, Right.

Ned: Yeah (pause). At it's peak one out of every four people in the world was under Rome's control.

Jen: Blimey. (pause) What was the world's population back then, in the Roman times?

Ned: Well I dont know, but that is pretty fascinating actually isn't it? (pause) Like, if you just look at it as a percentage, that's loads isn't it?

 

(pause)

Jen: Twenty five/ percent

Ned: /Twenty five percent, yeah. One in every four. Madness.

(pause)

Jen: So how many times have you thought about the Romans today then?

Ned: The Roman Empire you mean? oh, like, once. If that.

Jen: So...none then?

Ned: Well no...once or twice. saw that fact didn't I, and I suppose I couldn't help but think about it after seeing that, I mean it literally said the words Roman Empire in the fact so I couldn't not think about it could I? (pause) Anyway, it's fine thinking about it every now and then isn't it? (pause) I just meant the people who do it every single bloody day. Just meant they were the psychopaths didn't I?

Jen: Yeah I know babe. (pause) Right, better think about dinner eh. What do you fancy?

Ned: Ah whatever, I think there's a pizza in the freezer, can share that if you like?

Jen: Yeah ok, I'll whack it in the oven.

(Jen exits SL, pause while Ned stares straight out at the audience. Shouts to Jen offstage)

Ned: Talking of dinner, have you ever heard of a vomitorium?

Jen: (offstage) A vomitorium? That's just where the Romans went to throw up after dinner isn't it?

Ned: Aha! Got you! haha. That's a popular misconception actually. A vomitorium is actually a passage situated below or behind a tier of seats in an amphitheatre or a stadium, through which big crowds can exit rapidly at the end of an event. Thus, they vomit forth from the passage and onto the street. Fascinating huh?

Jen: Oh yeah, fascinating babe. What a bit of Wikipedia can do eh?

Ned: (disdainful glare towards Jen offstage, then under his breath) throw up after dinner...huh...idiot

Jen: What was that babe?

Ned: Didn't say anything darling.

(Jen returns and sits back down on the sofa)

Jen: Pizza's in

Ned: Lovely, I'm starving actually.

Jen: Yeah, me too. (pause) All set for the doctors then?

Ned: Mmm.

Jen: You've got your list of questions you want to ask him?

Ned: Yeah...

Jen: Good, I'm glad you're getting the ball rolling. Oh and by the way, I'm going in to see Mrs. Rattray at school now. She's asked if it can be moved to Monday. I said thats fine but you're working arent you, so i'll head in and speak to her.

Ned: Oh OK, yeah. No problem

Jen: I hope they havent got the wrong end of the stick, it's a bit worrying isn't it?

Ned: Hmm? oh no, it'll be fine. It's just one of those things isn't it. At least he wasn't drawing one of us being murdered eh?

Jen: Ned!

Ned: Oh come on, it was just a joke.

Jen: Not funny.

Ned: (pause) Sorry. (pause) Do you know how Julius Caesar was murdered?

(Jen looks at Ned. Blackout.)

Scene 1 - The Start (18th Feb)

Scene 2 - The Coffee (19th Feb)

Scene 3 - The Pizza (22nd Feb)

Scene 4 -

Interval

Scene 5 - The Dinner

Origin story of Robin Hood. Robyn is an obnoxious arsehole. Sheriff (Edmund) is well liked

Characters

Robyn

Edmund

Lucy Scarlett

Yaxley (Edmund's father)

Gregory

Hob

Beatrice

Margaret

Aldous

Young Robyn

Young Edmund

Annabel

Adam

Friar Benedict Tuck

King Richard I

Scene 1: Robyn and Edmund's wedding day (intro song?)

Scene 2: Edmund and Yaxley. Friar Tuck in corner surrounded by women.

Scene 3: Robyn reminisces on Young Robyn and Edmund (song?)/Robyn is pregnant.

Scene 4: Robyn kills Yaxley. Robyn loses baby. Meanwhile Edmund celebrates.

Scene 5: Edmund becomes Sheriff/Robyn becomes Hood.

Scene 6: Edmund collects taxes from a family. Returns home, rows with Robyn.

Scene 7: Robyn returns tax money. She leaves with Lucy.

Scene 8: Richard chastises Edmund, Edmund swears loyalty to his king. He returns home to find no trace of Robyn.

Scene 9: Robyn, Lucy, Beatrice and Margaret conspire to rob Friar Tuck.

Scene 10: Friar gets robbed, Robyn loses her cool and kills him. Her 'Merry Men' are shocked. Robyn orders them to disperse the money amongst the poor.

Scene 11: Friar Tuck's funeral. Edmund swears revenge on whoever killed him.

Scene 12: 

Jen: (offstage) Honey, where's the Limoncello?

Greg: (feels as if he might have heard something, listens for a moment. Nothing. Returns to the TV.)

Jen: (offstage) Greg!

Greg: Hmm..Yes?

Jen: Where's the Limoncello?

Greg: The what?

Jen: (offstage) The Limoncello!

Greg: No idea. (long pause as Greg goes back to watching TV) Have you checked the fridge?

Jen: (offstage) What?

Greg: The fridge, Have you checked the fridge?

Jen: (offstage) I can't hear you!

Greg: The fridge...the bloody...the fuck...(pause) never mind.

Jen: (entering, poking her head round the door) I couldn't hear you. (pause. Greg ignores her.) Greg.

Greg: Yeah?

Jen: I couldn't hear you. What did you say?

Greg: Oh nothing, I can't remember.

Jen: You can't remember?

Greg: No.

Jen: The Limoncello, I can't find it. Did you say you knew where it was?

Greg: Oh right, yes. (pause) I don't know. (pause) Did you check the fridge?

Jen: Yes of course I checked the fridge

Greg: OK (goes back to watching TV)

Jen: Great, thank you! (goes to exit)

Greg: What? oh come on, chill out.

Jen: (stops at the door, swivels and heads back to Greg, picks up the remote and turns the TV off.) Don't you dare 'chill out' me! Don't you fucking dare! Not tonight. You know what this means to me and I would very much appreciate it if you would get up and lend a hand.

Greg: (pause) Yes my Queen, what can I do to help?

Jen: Thank you, that's very kind of you to offer. The first thing I need is to find the Limoncello.

Greg: Righto, Limoncello. You checked the fridge?

Jen: I checked the fridge

Greg: Righto (he exits)

Jen: Just one night...just one night (she picks up a cushion and silently screams into it) One shitting night!

(We suddenly hear loud music played from upstairs)

Greg: (returning) Found it

Jen: Where was it?

Greg: In the fridge, my Baroness.

bottom of page